Winning My Battle With Anxiety by Ellen M. DuBois

At the age of twenty seven my husband and I split up. My anxiety attacks grew worse and worse until it almost got to the point where I couldn't function. But, I forced myself to. I went to work, I drove even when my hands were so numb I couldn't feel them, and I talked to people when inside it took every ounce of strength I had to appear "normal". It was exhausting.

I was petrified. I couldn't eat alone for fear I'd choke. I couldn't eat in restaurants for fear of embarrassment. I'd stare at a plate of food and literally be starving -- unable to get it down.

The advent of my divorce really was the catalyst to my first encounter with professional help. What originally was to be marriage counseling turned out to be individual talk therapy. I knew my marriage was over, but the anxiety needed to be dealt with and this proved to be the beginning of my journey.

Adjusting after the divorce along with dealing with my anxiety attacks was quite challenging. It was very multi-layered. I found that talk therapy helped. Not just with the divorce, but with the anxiety.

The talk therapy ended after about a year and a half when my therapist moved to another state. However, the knowledge and insight I gained was invaluable and put me on the path to recovery.

In the years that passed, I had my bouts with anxiety. I did extensive research on the subject and read countless self help books. I was always reaching for more answers; for more assurance. As a result, I knew better how to deal with the attacks. The negative self talk and the fear of loss of control diminished as I developed the ability to handle the attacks with my mind by gently talking my way through them.

They didn't completely go away, however.

In 1996 I met my fiancé. One of the biggest challenges he helped me to meet, unknowingly, was facing my anxiety. He is a pilot and on one of our very first dates, he surprised me with a trip to the airport to take his plane for a flight.

As my heart raced madly, (for I'd never been on a smaller plane), I decided to face my fear. That flight was one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. Had I succumbed to my fear, I would never have seen the beautiful moon and stars on that clear and magical night. That taught me a wonderful lesson. I was stronger than my anxiety. I just needed to draw upon my strength.

In 1997 I went to a new primary doctor for severe intestinal pain. Upon examination, she told me that I had a stomach condition caused by Chronic Anxiety Disorder. She had only a brief idea of my history. But, after several questions, etc., she wisely came to her diagnosis. It was then that I began some more talk therapy, on her advise, and started taking a small amount of medicine, called Klonopin, to relieve some of the symptoms of anxiety.

In 1997 I became the lead singer of a wedding band. During my audition my anxiety got so bad that I could feel my knees knocking and my lips were tingling! Try singing like that! But, somehow I made it through and got in. There was more than one "gig" where I'd feel my hands and mouth get "tingly" and my legs would begin to buckle. But, I went on and made myself do it. I think that it pushed me further into discovering my own inner strength. If I could handle an anxiety attack in front of three hundred people, (and believe me, it wasn't easy as I clung to the microphone stand to hold me up), then I could conquer this!

In the years that have passed, I have continued my research on anxiety. I still read many books dealing with the subject and put into practice many of the psychological things that help keep anxiety attacks at bay and/or under control.

I no longer use talk therapy, but what I learned in the process will stay with me forever.

It's not a battle that's won overnight, although the disorder seems to appear overnight. The road is long, and there are many ways to effectively treat anxiety. I think the most important things in helping a sufferer of anxiety are the support of those who love you, understanding the disorder, the faith that you will overcome it and the knowledge that you are not alone in your struggle.

Believe me, you are not.

© Ellen M. DuBois

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BIO:

Ellen M. DuBois, MA - Ms. DuBois is engaged and has a dog who loves to critique her work. She is published in vol.2 of God Allows U-Turns with her piece, "The Angel in the Dumpster". She writes to touch the hearts of others. Please visit Writings of the Heart, her award winning writer's resource site- http://writingsoftheheart.homestead.com/index.html

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