Stupidman Gets Colonoscopied by Stupidman

Other than being Stupidman, I am probably a typical 50 year

old male. By that I mean I have a strong preference to

avoid personal medical issues.

My philosophy is if I feel ok I am. If I have a headache I

take something, if the headache persists I take more until

the headache goes away. If I get a sinus infection or strep

throat I go to a clinic, pay cash, get some antibiotics,

take them, get well.

Until two weeks ago I had perfect cholesterol (never

tested), a fine prostate (never checked) and was quite

content in relying on the premise that ignorance is bliss.

On the horizon, storm clouds were brewing, soon to impact

my sunny disposition.

Women are much more accepting of the poking, prodding and

various tortures that are administered behind the closed

doors of medical institutions. It starts when they are

teenagers and never ends. Men, on the other hand, are low

maintenance. Women are envious of the male circumstance

and patiently wait until we are either struck down by a

freak occurrence like illness or we turn 50.

Fifty is one of those magical years like 18, 21, 30, 40,

or 62 but the only thing positive about turning 50 is the

alternative of never becoming 50. Health and life

insurance go up, you become eligible to join AARP and the

medical community says you are no longer on warranty.

Mrs. Stupidman not only undergoes regular maintenance

checkups but she is also a nurse and a respiratory

therapist. She constantly harps over my occasional

cigar smoking but increased the pressure after I turned 50

by bringing up the subject of a colonoscopy. What?!?! No

way!!!

Three months into the colonoscopy harangue a younger, male

in-law (a fireman, no less) finally went to see a doctor

about the red liquid that kept appearing in the toilet

prior to flushing. Turned out he had cancer of the colon

and currently carries a portable toilet in his pocket.

Knowing that he and I share no genetic material I was

prepared to dismiss this as a freak occurrence.

Unfortunately, I am married to a pit bull who ultimately

wrests a promise out of me that if I observe red fluid I

will submit to the physical abuse inflicted by the

appropriate specialist.

My promise was made in good faith but subject to

interpretation. Everyone knows that ingesting a red food

or drink item during the previous week could manifest itself

in the toilet and should not be counted towards the promise.

All was well until I was sharing liquid libation with my

brother-in-law and we somehow started making drunken jokes

about our perception of the invasive nature of the

procedure. We agreed that occasional coloration was no big

deal and that anything less than a pint was no cause for

alarm. Unfortunately, our conversation was overhead and my

life was permanently altered.

Divorce is expensive and I can't afford to do it a second

time so I made an appointment to see the doctor listed for

me on Mrs Stupidman's medical insurance. The doctor thought

he should meet me before he referred me to the actual

perpetrator. As I still had hope that the initial

appointment might not result in a referral I took a gift of

a bag of home grown tomatoes.

The doctor thanked me for the tomatoes, advised me that he

had a colonoscopy recently and was clearly not sympathetic

to my plight nor amused by my clever answers to his

Go to Page 2

BIO:

Stupidman's 50 year good health warranty expires.

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