Stupidman Gets Colonoscopied by Stupidman

questions. "How's your cholesterol?" "Perfect." "Huh?"

"It's never been checked." "Oh, Nurse Ratchett will draw

blood after I'm done with you."

"Have you had your prostate checked?" "Only by attractive

women, ha ha." "Drop your pants, bend over, the further you

bend the less discomfort you'll feel. Feels okay to me."

Well, that made one of us.

I found this back door examination of my prostate to be very

unpleasant and it did nothing to improve my attitude about

having a colonoscopy. After I gave a blood sample I went

home and took a long shower.

I guess many potential victims change their minds. I base

this on the speed in which I was scheduled. I was on the

table within ten days.

The day before the "invasive procedure" I had to drink a

gallon of "Go Lightly" (what a misnomer, Go Explosively

would be more accurate) and avoid solid foods. During a

six hour period I drank and discharged the gallon plus the

contents of my gastrointestinal system. After the first

half dozen visits to the bathroom (there were a total of

23) I would drink the evil potion within a few feet of the

bathroom door. (Don't plan on any other activities while

drinking this stuff.)

I was emptied with twelve hours to go before my appointment

at the hospital. Continuing the fast was no problem as my

soreness had convinced me I never wanted to eat again.

No liquids after midnight. No coffee in the morning! Lost

8 pounds and had to be at the hospital at 6:30 a.m. The

hospital requires you to bring an adult, ostensibly to drive

you home, but I suspect it's really so you'll show up. (Mrs

Stupidman, happily, volunteered to accompany me.)

Every nurse, receptionist, orderly, armed guard and doctor

assured me that the purging was much worse than the

procedure. It might have been more convincing if one of the

nurses had not asked me about my religious affiliation (last

rites).

Sat around for an hour before changing into one of those

stupid hospital gowns. An I.V. was stuck in my hand, an

oxygen tube stuck up my nose and sensors stuck on my chest.

The doctor walked in and talked to me for a minute or two.

I opened my eyes and was in a different room.

That was it. It was over. I had no pain. I was a little

groggy and had missed out on two hours of my life. I was

told I sang a song or two during the procedure but I don't

remember anything. They said they found a polyp and cut it

out (polyps sometime become cancerous but mine turned out

to be benign). I got dressed, went home, watched part of

a movie then used my riding lawnmower for two hours.

The only evidence I had that anything happened was my butt

was greasy.

Because they found a polyp I'm supposed to go back in three

years. Big deal. The worst part, other than the first

doctor giving me the prostate exam, is cleaning yourself

out the day before.

From what I understand, colon cancer is very preventable

but pretty incurable if you ignore symptoms and let it

get a big headstart.

With hindsight (I can joke about it now), I probably should

have done it a couple of years ago when I first rationalized

the occasional redness in my stool. I know my niece, the

fireman and their children wish he had it checked out a few

years earlier.

If you want more information, send a blank email to

doesithurt@stupidman.par32.com

Go to Page 1

BIO:

Stupidman's 50 year good health warranty expires.

Some Aditional Articles you may enjoy

The Eight Week Cholesterol Challenge by Barrett Niehus

FLUORIDE DEBATE CONTINUES. by Alfred Jones

How High-Carb Diet Plans Treat Carbohydrates by Rick Trojan

How to Treat Allergies and Prevent Frequent Colds in Children by Brian B. Carter, MS, LAc

The pleasure of smelling the roses. by Hannah Chartwell

Click a Number to go to an article index page
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39