Stealing Lives by Virginia Ramage Smith

Like a sneak thief, Alzheimer’s disease comes quietly. Although it steals only a tiny bit at a time, it invades relentlessly. Gradually, the victim’s losses -- memory, self-awareness, dignity -- become visible to the world. The losses of spouse and family are almost invisible. These may be the cruelest of all because these victims are fully aware.

Now that the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease are so obvious in my husband Fred, I am continuously reminded of my own losses as well as his. Dear friends inquire often about Fred’s condition, often expressing their dismay at what he has lost, at the disintegration of someone so involved in living. But, while they express concern for my health and my ability to meet his current needs, they never ask what I have lost. I’d like them to understand.

Conversation

During the busy period of our marriage, mealtime was the highlight of my day. Fred worked long hours as an aeronautical engineer, my days were full as a mother, student, homemaker, but at mealtimes we had time to talk, to discuss our needs and expectations. It was usually a time we exchanged ideas or perhaps plans for the next day. Now, mealtime is quiet because conversation has disappeared. There are no ideas to ponder, no plans to make, no opinions about politics, or neighbors. Good conversation was so ever present at our home that I took it for granted. Losing it has been painful.

Decision Making

I have also lost a partner in decision-making. There were always the big decisions – what house to buy, when to buy a new care, where to invest money, and where Phyllis should go to college. But the little decisions -- what to have for supper, what movie we would see – these were the everyday decisions that made the day go well. Fred did not really care how we arranged the furniture or what flowers we planted outside, but he would offer opinions when asked. He would help if I needed it. Now, I must make every decision alone. I miss his voice deeply.

Travel

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BIO:

Virginia Ramage Smith is the 82-year-old caregiver for her husband, a victim of Alzheimer's disease. She is also the chairman of the best is yet.net, Inc. Read more from her biweekly column at http://www.thebestisyet.net

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