Five Ways to Manage Difficult Elders by Phyllis Staff, Ph.D.

'You are old, Father William', the young man said,

'And your hair has become very white;

And yet you incessantly stand on your head --

Do you think, at your age, it is right?'

Lewis Carroll (1865)

My grandmother was the original matriarch. When she barked "frog," the only acceptable response was "how high?" She was hard to deal with in her last days, surprising no one.

Not being the brightest penny in the family bag, I reacted emotionally to her complaints, judgments, and demands. Rather than leave immediately, I stood my ground, trying to defend my relatives and myself from her relentless attacks. As a result, we were not speaking when she died.

Had I understood what I was facing, had I tried to put myself in her shoes, our story could have had a better ending. In hopes that your story will have a more satisfying ending, I offer a few of the tricks for dealing with difficult elders I've learned since then.

1) Make a plan BEFORE a crisis

The best way to deal with difficult parents is to avoid as many problems as possible by planning how you will handle them before they arise.

Pick a time when ALL family members can meet in person or on a conference call to discuss what you will do when a family member needs help. Take the focus off elderly

Family members by fully including them in the planning and making certain they have a role to play.

Be sure to take notes! Share them with all family members to verify your family agreements. In difficult situations, you might want to ask family members to sign and return a copy of any agreement.

Here are a few of the issues you may want to address:

Physical Location

How will you help a family member when they live in another town?

Can you be an effective long-distance caregiver, and, if so, how?

If not, who will move, and when should that move happen?

Roles

Who will be responsible for what?

Will you share expenses equally, or will you balance money versus time contributions?

What will happen when there are disagreements?

How will you handle changes in individual circumstances?

How will you react to threats to health and safety?

Differentiate preferences and requirements. If it's more than a preference that family members not live together, get it out on the table before a crisis erupts.

Document Planning

Where will you store important documents such as

Wills,

Power of attorney,

Insurance policies, and

Deeds of trust.

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BIO:

copyright 2003 by Phyllis Staff, Ph.D. - Phyllis Staff is an experimental psychologist and the CEO of The Best Is Yet.Net, an internet company that helps seniors and caregivers find trustworthy residential care. She is the author of How to Find Great Senior Housing: A Roadmap for Elders and Those Who Love Them. She is also the daughter of a victim of Alzheimer's disease. Visit the author's web site at http://www.thebestisyet.net.

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